When Did You Wake Up?

I can recall a time when all that mattered was what I was going to eat that day.  It consumed my mind most of the time just thinking about my next meal, the anticipation and reward I felt at that time.  I knew on a subconscious level I was slowly destroying my body and accepted a life of defeat, hopelessness, and despair.  I had taken my life for granted and cheated death.  I was able to still walk pain free, drive, run errands, these tasks were doable.  Then as each year passed by and I continued to gain weight steadily, I thought if I didn't think about my body and my existence that it would just go away.  I stored every mirror in my home in the attic so I didn't have to see what I've done.

Fourteen years' later I had a wake-up call.  My body finally surrendered...broke down....pain, discomfort, unable to do a simple task for myself.....I woke up.  We had gone up to Maine that weekend and stayed at the Lake, and the full bath downstairs had a full-length mirror.  When I stepped out of the shower,  I couldn't help but see my body up close and personal.  Well, I stepped out of the shower, very carefully since one leg up made my body unstable, and the weight distribution was not evenly proportioned on my body.  When I looked at my body that I haven't seen in many years, I was shocked and saddened by what I had created for myself.  All of those years finally caught up with me by the debilitating pain and lack of overall motion, in addition to a morbidly, cellulite-filled, rash-ridden, person staring back at me.  I was too stunned to cry, and too numb to accept this reflection.  It was so much easier to hide than to face myself.

I thought to myself that if I do lose a lot of weight, my body is going to really become loose since I've apparently stretched my stomach out to the point of drooping over my pelvic area, and my breasts were hanging down and were very heavy to carry as well.  Every part of my body was stretched out and the cellulite was tremendous.  I looked away and from that day on I looked at myself for what I actually done by avoiding the reality of my demise.

I've been maintaining my goal weight for the past five years and play with six pounds depending on the types of food I'm eating that can cause water weight gain.  I can only maintain each day and strive to remain focused on keeping my personal goal in sight.  I've never remained at my goal weight for this amount of time, and I've finally become this close to the half-way mark.  I've made it to the five-year personal milestone.  My long-term goal is for every five years and remaining at my ideal weight, will be a milestone. Perhaps I'll take a trip far away to celebrate.  The longest time in my life that I was able to keep my weight off was going back 20 years ago, and I only lasted 1 year and 11 months.  I didn't quite make the two-year mark, but I am thinking right now, wow, five years.  Something must have changed within me to remain true to myself and this journey.

My skin surprisingly "bounced" back quite well, and I am very grateful since it was looking like there would be no way my skin wouldn't hang.  I worked on strength training a few days per week, in addition to doing an activity that would keep my body in good shape, and my mind occupied on other activities.  It's been working for many reasons.  As I slowly rewired my way of thinking about food, I've turned my attention inward and asked myself what do you want to do today that will give me joy?  I keep myself busy with activities that are physically demanding, but rewarding.  I love to soak in the natural Vitamin D and hydrate all day long.

Every small change you make in the project we'll call us....is a pathway to a different destination with a new beginning.  We look different, and feel different, and are moving towards a new life that we're able to accept because we've slowly walked away from our old beliefs about ourselves, and our old beliefs about food, and our old beliefs about self-destruction.  We answer the why's, and question the what's, and resolve our hearts to receiving love and joy.  We've given most of ourselves away, and there was nothing left for us.  We slowly made time for ourselves, to be with ourselves, and enjoy ourselves.  We have introduced the old with the new and they are coming together to make the best of both worlds.

When we finally find out why, we can tread carefully and not allow our old attitudes and old patterns to emerge.  In recognizing these occurrences is half of the battle.  We know what the cues are, and can deflect the urges, knowing what the true consequences will be.

We're free to do as we wish!

Linda Hegedus, ©

The Key

Many times in our lives, the stressors of life can seem unbearable.   We need to do what it takes to maintain a place of peace within our souls.  The people we're surrounded by that are negative, the workplace politics become chaotic, and the lies told about us others believe.  How much can we take before we feel we're going to break?  Food is no longer an option to turn to when feeling overwhelmed with the challenges we face.  For many of us, even though we are living our personal truth, it's not in sync with the majority who are on the opposite side of the fence.  Are we facing many emotional challenges at once?

Is this a test of our will?  Is this a test of our strength?  Is this a test of our overall well-being?  Will we pass this test and come out a much stronger and humbled person?  Are we being blocked from love and goodness?  How long will this test go on?  How many more opponents are we going to have to rise above and be kind to in return?  How many more times will our opposition try to bring us down to their level?  What shall we do?  Should we pretend to be unhappy to protect ourselves from further attacks of our spirit?  Should we face our fears and speak our truth?  Are we supposed to learn a valuable lesson?  Has this pattern happened over and over throughout our lives?  Do we attract people who don't have our best interest at heart, but are plotting and scheming to take us down?

How will we deal with jealously?  How do we deal with the angry people around us?  How do we deal with adversity?  How do we deal with pretentious people?  How do we know who has our back?  Everyone looks the same?  How do we break the pattern?  Will our belief system change?  Have we lost faith in our fellow man?

ABSOLUTELY NOT!  We will walk through the flames of emotional hell, and reach for the light.  The light will take us to a place of comfort, calmness, tranquility, love, grace, hope, and self-confidence.  When we seek a place of solitude, we can quietly meditate and speak softly to our inner-being.  Ask our questions out loud and patiently and quietly receive our answers.  There's no human being on the face of this Earth that can give us the answers we seek to find.  Our answers come from ourselves.  If we listen closely to what our hearts are telling us in the moment of our personal emotional crisis, we'll hear the answers loud and clear.  We think we don't know the answers, or don't want to hear the truth, but we are true to one person, and that is ourselves.  We cannot lie to ourselves, that would be denial.  We and we alone have the answers.  We and we alone can triumph and be victorious.  We and we alone can overcome anything.  Yes we can!  We have many emotional trials to go through in our lifetime, but we will survive.  We always do and always will!!!!

Look how far we've come from where we were!  We've learned how to accept what comes our way, and decide in that very moment what we'll tolerate and what we will not tolerate.  We hold the key to the door of our future.  With this key we will unlock the door, walk inside, and find a better place for us to be.  We got it!  We finally understand!  We have the life skills, and knowledge to succeed with our lives!  Be proud, be who you really are, and remain optimistic!  We deserve to be respected, we deserve happiness, we deserve love, we deserve goodness in our lives!  We deserve only the best!  We've given so much of ourselves to others with love, kindness, and respect, now it's time to receive.  Receive with a grateful and loving heart.  Love will always keep you strong, love conquers all.  Love and only love will keep us safe!  We are the masters of our destiny!

May Peace and Love Be With You!

 

Linda Hegedus©