I can recall a time when all that mattered was what I was going to eat that day. It consumed my mind most of the time just thinking about my next meal, the anticipation and reward I felt at that time. I knew on a subconscious level I was slowly destroying my body and accepted a life of defeat, hopelessness, and despair. I had taken my life for granted and cheated death. I was able to still walk pain free, drive, run errands, these tasks were doable. Then as each year passed by and I continued to gain weight steadily, I thought if I didn't think about my body and my existence that it would just go away. I stored every mirror in my home in the attic so I didn't have to see what I've done.
Fourteen years' later I had a wake-up call. My body finally surrendered...broke down....pain, discomfort, unable to do a simple task for myself.....I woke up. We had gone up to Maine that weekend and stayed at the Lake, and the full bath downstairs had a full-length mirror. When I stepped out of the shower, I couldn't help but see my body up close and personal. Well, I stepped out of the shower, very carefully since one leg up made my body unstable, and the weight distribution was not evenly proportioned on my body. When I looked at my body that I haven't seen in many years, I was shocked and saddened by what I had created for myself. All of those years finally caught up with me by the debilitating pain and lack of overall motion, in addition to a morbidly, cellulite-filled, rash-ridden, person staring back at me. I was too stunned to cry, and too numb to accept this reflection. It was so much easier to hide than to face myself.
I thought to myself that if I do lose a lot of weight, my body is going to really become loose since I've apparently stretched my stomach out to the point of drooping over my pelvic area, and my breasts were hanging down and were very heavy to carry as well. Every part of my body was stretched out and the cellulite was tremendous. I looked away and from that day on I looked at myself for what I actually done by avoiding the reality of my demise.
I've been maintaining my goal weight for the past five years and play with six pounds depending on the types of food I'm eating that can cause water weight gain. I can only maintain each day and strive to remain focused on keeping my personal goal in sight. I've never remained at my goal weight for this amount of time, and I've finally become this close to the half-way mark. I've made it to the five-year personal milestone. My long-term goal is for every five years and remaining at my ideal weight, will be a milestone. Perhaps I'll take a trip far away to celebrate. The longest time in my life that I was able to keep my weight off was going back 20 years ago, and I only lasted 1 year and 11 months. I didn't quite make the two-year mark, but I am thinking right now, wow, five years. Something must have changed within me to remain true to myself and this journey.
My skin surprisingly "bounced" back quite well, and I am very grateful since it was looking like there would be no way my skin wouldn't hang. I worked on strength training a few days per week, in addition to doing an activity that would keep my body in good shape, and my mind occupied on other activities. It's been working for many reasons. As I slowly rewired my way of thinking about food, I've turned my attention inward and asked myself what do you want to do today that will give me joy? I keep myself busy with activities that are physically demanding, but rewarding. I love to soak in the natural Vitamin D and hydrate all day long.
Every small change you make in the project we'll call us....is a pathway to a different destination with a new beginning. We look different, and feel different, and are moving towards a new life that we're able to accept because we've slowly walked away from our old beliefs about ourselves, and our old beliefs about food, and our old beliefs about self-destruction. We answer the why's, and question the what's, and resolve our hearts to receiving love and joy. We've given most of ourselves away, and there was nothing left for us. We slowly made time for ourselves, to be with ourselves, and enjoy ourselves. We have introduced the old with the new and they are coming together to make the best of both worlds.
When we finally find out why, we can tread carefully and not allow our old attitudes and old patterns to emerge. In recognizing these occurrences is half of the battle. We know what the cues are, and can deflect the urges, knowing what the true consequences will be.
We're free to do as we wish!
Linda Hegedus, ©
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