The Memories How Bittersweet

Today I was talking to a friend about the changes I've been through emotionally on this journey.  For 14 years of my morbidly obese existence the memories still arise, and some memories were not very happy ones to recall.  Even though it's almost been three years' of living in my new and improved body, and  I love what I see looking back at me now, there are still memories of my former life that remind me why I must remain where I am today.

The neighborhood where I reside is quiet and peaceful.  Most of my neighbors are friendly and always obliged to lend a helping hand when needed.  Some people moved away while others remain.  During the morbidly obese years, I used to sit on my porch and plant myself on my rocking chair watching everyone garden, ride their bikes, and play basketball on the street.  Oh how I wanted to shoot a basket, but I couldn’t move, never mind jump, or take a lay-up shot.  My deep passion for gardening had diminished since I couldn’t walk, bend, stand, or kneel.  My female neighbors would call upon my husband to give them a hand, since their spouse’s were not home. My husband would eagerly walk over and be there to put up a fan, or move some furniture.  He would be gone for a good hour or so, while we had company at our house.  If I needed their husband to assist me, I had to wait, or they had somewhere to go and would return later, or their wives needed them to be home. 

My husband and I would sit on our front porch watching the summer skies.  As we were enjoying the weather, the neighborhood ladies would walk by in their skimpy bathing suits as they protruded their chests outward and had a switch to their walk.   They would extend a friendly hello to my husband and begin a conversation with him as they completely ignored me even though I was sitting there along side of him.  At parties we’ve hosted my divorced female friends would come over and hang all over my husband and take his hand, to follow them to the side of our house, so they could confide about a personal matter.  This happened quite frequently.  I realize now for them it was comfortable to be around me, due to my appearance, and I felt they showed no respect or consideration for my feelings.  One lady friend went to the extent to push me aside while I was standing next to my husband, and rubbed up against him to see if he would actually make an advance towards her.  My husband is an honorable man, and felt uneasy about this, and as I watched, I couldn’t help but feel helpless.  The first time my husband attended one of my company parties, my co-workers never met him, and upon his arrival they looked at him in awe and amazement that I had a handsome man by my side.  One of my co-workers  came up to me and told me that people were surprised that I was married to such a handsome thin man.  I thought to myself, I was not obese when we were dating or the early years of our marriage.

At the bus stop where I would bring my daughter to every morning, the children would tease her about my size, and it would upset her since she loved me unconditionally and didn’t understand why her school mates would tease her about me.  I told her to pay no attention to their comments, and that beauty comes from within.  I felt ashamed and saddened that my daughter had to endure the sins of her mother.  The family dynamics were strained by my obesity.  I realized my husband and daughter were facing challenges due to my outer appearance, and it made me feel frustrated and concerned.  With these intense feelings of anger and resentment that were building up inside of me, it fueled my desire to change my life, and I made it to the other side, but not without an internal fight with the demons that were in me for so long.

Now I walk up and down my street, and the same neighborhood woman, who paraded by run away with their heads down when they see me coming.  Now their husbands approach me and tell me how amazing I look and strike up a conversation with me every time they see me.  The divorcee’s who used to attend my parties never come anymore, and don’t ask me over either.  My coworkers, who made comments to me about my size are now threatened by my new appearance and upset that I am no longer the largest person in the crowd, but the smallest one.  The school mates of my daughter don’t recognize me since they haven’t seen me for so long and ask my daughter who’s that woman?   It’s interesting to see how people react when there’s no more “obese person” around.  I have surpassed all of them, and now it’s my turn to reap the rewards of my success.  As each day presents itself, we continue to learn and grow, and the process of elimination is taking place.   As the door begins to close on many of these past and unhealthy relationships, new doors are beginning to crack open to more healthier and meaningful relationships. 

Linda Hegedus©